RETRO REBOOT | Two Crude Dudes (Sega Mega Drive)

I love Data East. At a time where coin-op gaming was increasing in popularity, the publisher/developer held a spot as one the top powerhouses of 80's and 90's gaming, they held a very strong presence as influential arcade producers. Some of their IPs have aged funny, however, namely the Bad Dudes series. I'll cut it a little slack. Like Double Dragon, it was one of the original arcade beat'em ups that revolutionized the genre. But it suffered from some spotty hit detection and chunky animation, especially the NES port. I learned it had a sequel, Two Crude Dudes. Alright, the first game sucked, but even before it became one of retrogaming's earliest memes, it was still fun to play. Certainly there was much room for improvement.

Ported to the Mega Drive in 1992 and having its name changed from Crude Buster (which is a much better title), Two Crude Dudes follows the plot of two unnamed mercs hired by the US government to infiltrate and destroy the terrorist organization "The Valley" to release their grip from the what remains of New York following a nuclear disaster. Putting aside the incredibly tired apocalyptic wasteland plot device (completely done to death), is there a less intimidating name for a diabolical enemy faction than "The Valley"? Sounds more like a salad bar at The Ground Round that comes with your choice of bread and alternate side. Perhaps even greater question; how much money is the government paying two random dirtbags that couldn't be allocated in fortifying a proper task force to take down "The Valley?" This just gets weirder the longer I focus on it.

Like its predecessor, it's a side-scrolling brawler that can be played single player or co-op. The action normally takes place on high and low plains on which to either avoid foes or attack. It's certainly more crisp and responsive, and new traits have been included, like picking up almost any piece of debris in what remains of the crumbling infrastructure of New York to throw at bad guys. And you can grab almost anything; traffic lights, trash drums, cars, airships. just how strong are these guys? Damn it, I'm going back to the premise already. Are you mutants or super steroid-injected humans? It's established at least that you're fighting against scientific abominations, but what separates you from your foe? Not surprising, hypocrisy from the government...

You can punch, kick, and grab in four directions, which is cool. Except there's little variety in the enemies you face. Standard henchmen generally just run straight at you and are taken out in one punch. And while I said Two Crude Dudes is more responsive, the hit detection and your hurtbox still leaves a lot to be desired. It can be an awkward science to not take a ton of damage, it always felt like to me the enemy will get a shot on you before you're able to avoid contact. For such a hulking giant, the Dudes' punch and kick range is rather pathetic. Mastering the art of throwing shit is a must, but I also have a beef with how some items are thrown. I-beams are exclusively thrown horizontally, but even when crouching, can still go over the heads of tiny foes that latch onto you and drain your health. Ebbs and flows are one thing, but this gets repetitive.

You can roll, which I can never remember is a means to avoid damage or it's an attack. Like any brawler from this era, it can be mindless, but the carnage may be a touch satisfying. In Bad Dudes, there was usually shit flying all over the place. But for Two Crude Dudes, it's not quite as gratifying to drop enemies. I guess my issue is, there's just little personality in the combat, and compared to other Data East games like Karnov or Midnight

Graphics-wise, it's a quality port of the arcade, almost identical. there's only some frames of animation missing, but beyond that it's pretty clean. Not really a ton of slowdown. level design is mediocre, and obstacles are present, but everything can be punched through.

Another weird aesthetic choice Data East opted was the use of comic book burst balloons. It's whacky, and seems a touch out of place. One thing if this is Sonic Blast Man or The Tick, but Two Crude Dudes already gives little to go on, so a whacky quirk like this comes off just...in the way. Mere impact flash would have sufficed. Then again, I'm complaining about this in a series where you had to rescue the president from ninjas.

When it comes to challenge, Two Crude Dudes can be grueling. The six stages aren't too long, but there's trying to endure and avoid a ton of damage. The fact that the dudes are such overly giant, hulking slabs of meat with zero agility just means the best course of action is to hammer your way through. The occasional soda machine is present to replenish health, and admittedly, stopping and cracking open a can of RC Cola is amusing at first (until it dawns on me that it's more sitting around and waiting), I'd really rather just have a cheeseburger drop.

Some bosses are super cheap projectile spammers or have layers of armor and are impossible to throw. The final boss did get some amusement out of me. After defeating what you THINK is the prime creation in "The Valley's" laboratory, an old scientist constantly runs at you and punches you like a four year old.

This goes on for a little bit, and after tossing the Rent-a-Center Dr. Wily around for a bit, he transforms into a Zoanoid straight out of Bio-Booster Armour Guyver and begins to wreck your shit. I gotta say, this confrontation almost makes Two Crude Dude worth it. I recommend playing it co-op with someone who has never played it before, just to gauge their reaction.

While I gripe about aspects of it, and I'm overall not a fan of the style, Two Crude Dudes is a pretty good game, best played with a buddy. As a Genesis port, the sprite work is impressive, and the music/sound effects are more than solid. It may not have the meme factor of Bad Dudes, and I think it lacks a good deal of replay value, but it's a much better game to enjoy.